Given the seemingly ever increasing amount of violence that surrounds us these days, we wanted to share this insightful article we found, written by Traci L. Wike & Mark W. Fraser.  Below is the abstract for the article.  The full article can be read here: http://www.uta.fi/arkisto/aktk/projects/sta/Wike_2009_School-Shootings_Making_Sense-of-the-Senseless.pdf

School shootings have altered the patina of seclusion and safety that once characterized public and higher education. Callous and brutal, school shootings seem to make no sense. However, case comparisons and anecdotal reports are beginning to show patterns that provide clues for understanding both the individual factors motivating shooting events and the characteristics of schools where shootings have occurred. We describe these factors and characteristics as the bases for six prevention strategies: (a) strengthening school attachment, (b) reducing social aggression, (c) breaking down codes of silence, (d) establishing screening and intervention protocols for troubled and rejected students, (e) bolstering human and physical security, and (6) increasing communication within educational facilities and between educational facilities and local resources.

We also recommend viewing this video below which provides insight from Psychiatrist Dr. Welner regarding what may have made CT Shooter Adam Lanza kill.

A traumatic event turns your world upside down.

After surviving a disaster or act of violence, people may feel dazed or even numb. They may also feel sad, helpless, or anxious. In spite of the tragedy, some people just feel happy to be alive.

It is not unusual to have bad memories or dreams. You may avoid places or people that remind you of the disaster. You might have trouble sleeping, eating, or paying attention. Many people have short tempers and get angry easily.

These are all normal reactions to stress.

It will take time before you start to feel better.

You may have strong feelings right away. Or you may not notice a change until much later, after the crisis is over. Stress can change how you act with your friends and family. It will take time for you to feel better and for your life to return to normal. Give yourself time to heal.

These steps may help you feel better.

A traumatic event disrupts your life. There is no simple fix to make things better right away. But there are actions that can help you, your family, and your community heal. Try to:

• Follow a normal routine as much as possible.
• Eat healthy meals.
• Be careful not to skip meals or to overeat.
• Exercise and stay active. y Help other people in your community as a volunteer. Stay busy.
• Accept help from family, friends, co-workers, or clergy. Talk about your feelings with them.
• Limit your time around the sights and sounds of what happened. Don’t dwell on TV, radio, or newspaper reports on the tragedy.

Sometimes the stress can be too much to handle alone.

Ask for help if you:

• Are not able to take care of yourself or your children.
• Are not able to do your job. y Use alcohol or drugs to get away from your problems.
• Feel sad or depressed for more than two weeks.
• Think about suicide.

If you or someone you know is having trouble dealing with the tragedy, ask for help. Talk to a counselor, your doctor, or community organization, such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK).

It’s child’s play

Surely one of the best ways to generate motivation in ourselves and others is by dangling rewards?

Yet psychologists have long known that rewards are overrated. The carrot, of carrot-and-stick fame, is not as effective as we’ve been led to believe. Rewards work under some circumstances but sometimes they backfire. Spectacularly.

Here is a story about preschool children with much to teach all ages about the strange effects that rewards have on our motivation.

Psychologists Mark R. Lepper and David Greene from Stanford and the University of Michigan were interested in testing what is known as the ‘overjustification’ hypothesis—about which, more later (Lepper et al., 1973).

Since parents so often use rewards as motivators for children they recruited fifty-one preschoolers aged between 3 and 4. All the children selected for the study were interested in drawing. It was crucial that they already liked drawing because Lepper and Greene wanted to see what effect rewards would have when children were already fond of the activity.

The children were then randomly assigned to one of the following conditions:

1. Expected reward. In this condition children were told they would get a certificate with a gold seal and ribbon if they took part.
2. Surprise reward. In this condition children would receive the same reward as above but, crucially, weren’t told about it until after the drawing activity was finished.
3. No reward. Children in this condition expected no reward, and didn’t receive one.

Each child was invited into a separate room to draw for 6 minutes then afterwards either given their reward or not depending on the condition. Then, over the next few days, the children were watched through one-way mirrors to see how much they would continue drawing of their own accord. The graph below shows the percentage of time they spent drawing by experimental condition:

As you can see the expected reward had decreased the amount of spontaneous interest the children took in drawing (and there was no statistically significant difference between the no reward and surprise reward group). So, those who had previously liked drawing were less motivated once they expected to be rewarded for the activity. In fact the expected reward reduced the amount of spontaneous drawing the children did by half. Not only this, but judges rated the pictures drawn by the children expecting a reward as less aesthetically pleasing.

Rewards reduce intrinsic motivation

It’s not only children who display this kind of reaction to rewards, though, subsequent studies have shown a similar effect in all sorts of different populations, many of them grown-ups. In one study smokers who were rewarded for their efforts to quit did better at first but after three months fared worse than those given no rewards and no feedback (Curry et al., 1990). Indeed those given rewards even lied more about the amount they were smoking.

Reviewing 128 studies on the effects of rewards Deci et al. (1999, p. 658) concluded that:

“tangible rewards tend to have a substantially negative effect on intrinsic motivation (…) Even when tangible rewards are offered as indicators of good performance, they typically decrease intrinsic motivation for interesting activities.”

Rewards have even been found to make people less creative and worse at problem-solving.

Overjustification

So, what’s going on? The key to understanding these behaviours lies in the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. When we do something for its own sake, because we enjoy it or because it fills some deep-seated desire, we are intrinsically motivated. On the other hand when we do something because we receive some reward, like a certificate or money, this is extrinsic motivation.

The children were chosen in the first instance because they already liked drawing and they were already intrinsically motivated to draw. It was

pleasurable, they were good at it and they got something out of it that fed their souls. Then some of them got a reward for drawing and their motivation changed.

Before they had been drawing because they enjoyed it, but now it seemed as though they were drawing for the reward. What they had been motivated to do intrinsically, they were now being given an external, extrinsic motivation for. This provided too much justification for what they were doing and so, paradoxically, afterwards they drew less.

This is the overjustification hypothesis for which Lepper and Greene were searching and although it seems like backwards thinking, it’s typical of the way the mind sometimes works. We don’t just work ‘forwards’ from our attitudes and preferences to our actions, we also work ‘backwards’, working out what our attitudes and preferences must be based on our current situation, feelings or actions (see also: cognitive dissonance).

When money makes play into work

Not only this but rewards are dangerous for another reason: because they remind us of obligations, of being made to do things we don’t want to do. Children are given rewards for eating all their food, doing their homework or tidying their bedrooms. So rewards become associated with painful activities that we don’t want to do. The same goes for grown-ups: money becomes associated with work and work can be dull, tedious and painful. So when we get paid for something we automatically assume that the task is dull, tedious and painful—even when it isn’t.

This is why play can become work when we get paid. The person who previously enjoyed painting pictures, weaving baskets, playing the cello or even writing blog posts, suddenly finds the task tedious once money has become involved.

Yes, sometimes rewards do work, especially if people really don’t want to do something. But when tasks are inherently interesting to us rewards can damage our motivation by undermining our natural talent for self-regulation.

Source: PSYBLOG

Your child is being bullied at school. He or she has mustered the courage to tell you about it-no small feat, considering how humiliating it can be for kids to tell their parents about maltreatment by their peers-and together, you have tried everything you can think of to manage the problem on your own. Your child has practiced ignoring the bully, avoiding his tormentors, standing up to mean kids in assertive ways, trying to enlist his teacher’s support, and using humor to deflect the bully’s taunting. He has shut down his Facebook page and stopped texting entirely, hoping that taking himself out of the technology loop might give him some respite from the cruelty. Yet, the bullying persists…and is getting worse.

You make a decision to call your child’s teacher and report what has been going on-the name calling, the cruel texts, the exclusion at lunch, the snickering in the halls, the shoves on the bus, and the threats of physical harm (yesterday’s warning: “I am going to f’ing end you if you come to school tomorrow.”) Reaching out and asking for help was hard for you; as a parent, you desperately hoped to be able to protect your child on your own. Confident, however, that you have taken all of the right steps to manage the problem independently and knowing that the bullying (and your child’s desperation) are only getting worse, you reluctantly place a call to school. A part of you is relieved that your burden can now be shared and professionals can help with the job of keeping your child safe at school.

Your relief is short-lived.

Despite the “Bully-Free Zone” posters that line the school cafeteria walls and the Zero-Tolerance policy that was boasted about during last September’s Back-to-School night, your experience is that the school would rather not address the problem at all. The responses you get from your child’s teacher include bland lip service such as:

• I didn’t see it happening and I can’t just take your child’s word that it did.
• Kids will be kids, you know.
• This stuff just happens. It’ll all blow over soon.
• Your child just needs to have a thicker skin.
• The child you are accusing of bullying is an honor student and Vice President of the Student Council. I just can’t believe he would do such a thing. Are you sure your child isn’t exaggerating?

More and more, as I talk with parents whose children have experienced bullying, they share this common experience of having their concerns downplayed by the very adults who are charged with keeping schoolchildren safe.

Now, before I go any further, I want to state my unequivocal support for most educators and school personnel. I have had the distinct honor and pleasure of working with hundreds of them in a professional capacity, and dozens of them through my own children’s schooling, and I recognize their role as monumental. It is my belief that most adults who dedicate their professional lives to Education are heroes and I thank them endlessly for their service.

With that said, there are also adults who fail children and I don’t know any more eloquent or sophisticated way to describe my feelings about it other than to tell you that it burns me. While I understand that kids are often mean to each other-and sometimes unspeakably cruel-what I cannot wrap my mind around is when adults knowingly allow it to happen. Parents ask me: what should I do when I report bullying to school and the school downplays my concerns? This is the conversation we usually have:

First, we usually talk a bit about why some school personnel downplay reports of bullying from concerned parents.

Lack of Awareness
One recent study reports that in school settings, bullying is missed by adults 96% of the time. “How can this be?” many parents ask. Easier than it seems, I am afraid. While most teachers are very focused on what goes on in their classrooms, the majority of bullying occurs in locations like the lunchroom, the locker room, the playground, the bathroom, the hallways, the bus, and perhaps most infamously, online. When classroom teachers tell concerned parents that they are not aware of bullying incidents taking place in their classroom, they are usually quite accurate. (Why more cafeteria aides and bus drivers aren’t trained and made responsible for recognizing and responding to bullying is a whole different article…)

The flip side of adult awareness is that the thrice-failed-third-grade neighborhood meanie named Spike who jumps out in the schoolyard and demands little kids’ lunch money is a bully of yesteryear. Today’s bullies-particularly those that use relational aggression to hurt and humiliate-are often brilliant social diagnosticians who know how to manipulate their teachers just as effectively as they know how to torture their peers. Yes, the straight-A Student Council President may well be the bully that “rules the school” safely below the radar of his unsuspecting teachers.

The Teacher’s Plate Runneth Over
While I am of the conviction that school personnel are responsible for keeping kids safe, I am equally convinced that teachers today have so much on their plates that safeguarding kids’ emotional well-being is a real challenge for them. Nonetheless, be clear; I believe that educators and parents share a collective responsibility to create a culture in which bullying is unacceptable and to protect kids from physical and psychological harm. When schoolchildren are bullied relentlessly and without adult intervention, they have difficulty succeeding academically. For this reason alone (notwithstanding their moral obligation), bullying is a problem educators are duty-bound to address.

Feelings of Helplessness
Bullying among school-aged children is widely regarded as an epidemic problem in the United States. If there were an easy solution to the problem, it would have been suggested and implemented long ago. You wouldn’t be thinking about it and I wouldn’t be writing about it. Getting a handle on bullying in schools is a complex challenge that leaves many Educators feeling overwhelmed and helpless. More often than they would care to admit, the teacher who downplays an incident of bullying is the teacher who simply has no idea how to handle the problem in his classroom.

“Kids Will Be Kids” Mentality
Up to this point in my discussions with parents, I am always somewhat sympathetic to Educators and the obstacles they face in managing bullying effectively. When it comes to the “kids will be kids” mentality, however, my empathy comes to a screeching halt. Minimizing a problem is not what caring adults do; it is what manipulative bullies do.

Yes, kids can be mean. No, adults should never dismiss bullying as a “rite of passage” or tolerable fact of childhood. When they do, they violate a child’s trust and abdicate their role as responsible adults. Period.

What Parents Can Do When Bullying is Downplayed

After talking about the various reasons why some adults downplay reports of bullying, I like to work with parents to strategize realistic approaches for pursuing the attention and focus of school personnel. The point I make most strongly is that it takes a tremendous amount of courage for most kids to talk with their parents about being the target of bullying. It is such a deeply painful and humiliating experience that even kids with the most trusting relationship with their parents find their victimization hard to reveal. Therefore, when kids do talk about being bullied, it is imperative that parents honor the courageous act of sharing and become their child’s champion.

I’m not exaggerating when I tell parents to don their hero’s cape and get ready to be superhuman, because in many cases, that is what challenging the status quo will take. In every case, that is what their child deserves. So, what can parents do when their report of bullying is downplayed by school personnel?

Talk. Talk. Talk.
A bully’s preferred method of intimidation is to keep his victim isolated. A parent’s best strategy for countering bullying is to reach out to as many people as necessary to make sure that the bullying comes to an end. If you have reached out to your child’s teacher and received a bland, disinterested, or downplayed response, do not be deterred. Continue to contact other school personnel-preferably according to a chain of command-to make sure that your voice (and more importantly, your child’s voice) is heard.

Rather than allowing your emotion to demand an on-the-spot demand meeting with a school official, use your level head to call ahead for an appointment with the teacher, guidance counselor, school social worker, Principal-or all of the above! If your needs continue to be unmet, contact the PTO, the school board, the superintendant, or even the local police if you are concerned about your child’s safety.

Talk to your neighbors about what is going on. Reach out to other parents. Don’t bash the school or the bully in a gossipy way that tarnishes your own integrity, but do make sure to enlist the help of everyone and anyone that is in a position to address the situation and help bring the bullying to a stop.

Another idea: take your concerns online. The blogging community can be a rich source of support, guidance, and been-there-done-that practical advice for parents whose kids are being bullied. Likewise, the media has taken a growing interest in recent months about the problem of bullying. If you can’t convince school personnel to take a stand, perhaps the media can. Jacqui DiMarco, co-author of When Your Child is Being Bullied: Real Solutions for Parents, Educators, and Other Professionals, advises parents to “be the most pleasant nuisance you possibly can be until you have resolution.”

Document, Document, Document
Write down your child’s account of the incident(s) of bullying. Record as much detail as possible, since memory tends to be short and details can get easily and understandably distorted by emotion. When you contact the staff at your child’s school, make notes on who you talk to and when. Document the school personnel’s responses-word for word, whenever possible. Prior to meeting with a teacher, counselor, or Principal, write down your goals for the conversation. Afterwards, put in writing any agreed upon resolutions. Request that all involved parties sign the document to indicate their agreement.

Documenting conversations, decisions, and agreed upon plans of action help keep parents and school personnel on the same page during what can be an emotional time. Establishing a “paper trail” is not a “gotcha!” process, but rather an effective way of keeping all involved parties organized, informed, and goal-directed.

Keep At It
In her bestselling book, Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, Rachel Simmons writes that when a child doesn’t think his situation will improve, the strength that his parents show can be hugely reassuring. Indeed, a show of resolve and dogged determination to persist until their concerns are adequately addressed is among the most important things parents can do for their children. This willingness to keep at it communicates to kids that their concerns are valid, their safety is paramount, and that they are worthy of your time and effort.

Keep in mind: By the time your child has told you about the bullying he has faced, he has in all likelihood been dealing with the problem for quite some time and is feeling beaten down (psychologically as well as possibly physically) and demoralized. When a parent shows that he believes what his child has reported, takes the concerns seriously, and is willing to persistently stand up for his child, the child’s self-worth can begin to grow again.

Public Service Announcements and Posters that tell victims to “Speak Up” in the face of bullying mean nothing at all if, when kids and families find the courage to speak up, they are met with disbelief, denial, and downplaying by school staff. What kind of message are adults sending? What better way is there to violate a child’s trust and create a sense of hopelessness and helplessness? Adults cannot continue to fail children in this way.

No family should find themselves all alone when navigating the dangerous and destructive waters of bullying in school. We need all adults-parents, teachers, administrators, law enforcement, media, and anyone else with a heart-to work together as champions for children. Fasten on that cape Moms and Dads; your child needs you to be his superhero.

Source: Psychology Today

Play therapy is “the systematic use of a theoretical model to establish an interpersonal process wherein trained play therapists use the therapeutic powers of play to help clients prevent or resolve psychosocial difficulties and achieve optimal growth and development.”

Source: http://www.a4pt.org

Divorce does not have to be damaging to children. Here are the ten most important things parents can do to help their kids navigate the stormy seas of divorcing parents.

1. Don’t try to recruit your child into siding with one parent against the other.
2. Do contain your hostility in front of the children. Hearing divorcing parents argue is the most common cause for a child of divorce to have problems.
3. Do renegotiate a healthy co-parenting relationship after divorce. You don’t have to be best friends with your ex, but you do need to have a civilized relationship so that your child is not burdened by your ongoing anger.
4. Don’t badmouth your ex in front of your child. In fact, make a point of telling your child a few good things about the other parent.
5. Do get on the same page with your ex about all rules concerning the children–bedtime, homework, amount of screen time, curfew, and so forth. 
6. Do take a parenting class or attend family therapy with your ex if you are having trouble coming to agreement about rules and consequences for your child. Allow a professional to help you manage your anger at your ex.
7. Don’t badmouth your ex’s parents or other family members. Children love their grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and if a parent says negative things about them the child will feel conflicted.
8. Do reassure your child that she did not do anything to cause the divorce. Children often feel guilty when parents get divorced and need to be reassured that the divorce was not their fault.
9. Do tell your child that both parents will continue to love him/her and spend time with him/her.
10. Do tell your child that you expect her to continue to do well and be happy.

Source: Psychology Today

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University of San Francisco, The Center for Child and Family Development benefit concert: “ An Evening with Sattar” on Sunday, May 22 was a great success!

The concert began with a bi-lingual introduction by Dr. Laleh Shahideh, the elegant Master of Ceremonies. After giving the audience an overview of the Center’s mission, Dr Shahideh introduced Sheena Sattarpour, Administrative Director of the Center and Sattar’s daughter.

Sheena introduced Maestro Sattar (The WAALM Award Winning Vocalist of 2005) with grace and humor and her spot-on imitations filled the theater with good-natured laughter and applause. Sheena introduced her father as her hero and the concert began with Maestro Sattar entering the stage to stirring music.

The Presentation Theater of School of Education was filled with enthusiastic applause for the magical performance of Sattar and his 4 musicians.

Singing in a language other than English, Maestro Sattar, like Andrea Bocelli and Il Volo, spoke in a language of the heart. “I felt he was speaking directly to my spirit” said Judy Giampaoli, the Director of the School Outreach Program. “It was a beautiful and moving experience” said Judy Goodell, a faculty member from the Counseling Psychology Department.

After 1 ½ hours and Sattar’s completion of the last song request, the concert ended with thunderous applause and cheering. Laleh again took the stage and encouraged the audience to consider making donations using the “Be a Child’s Hero” remittance envelopes in their programs. She then introduced Dr. Brian A. Gerrard in his role as Executive Director of the Center. A portion of his speech in which he presented Sattar with the Center’s award follows:

“The Center for Child and Family Development has a special award to honor persons in the community who make a unique contribution to children and families. Two previous recipients are Dr. Nancy Iverson, who works with children with cancer, and Cloe Madanes, the internationally famous family therapist who works with physically and sexually abused children…

… Tonight we honor Sattar for his humanitarian work in aiding many children’s organizations, such as the orphanage in Tajikistan mentioned in your program. We also honor him for his commitment to social justice reflected in the deep empathy and compassion for the suffering of others that flows through his music. In one of his songs the English translation is: “I grieve…hurtfulness is everywhere…” Sattar, the Center for Child and Family Development is pleased to present you with the 2011 Award for Outstanding Contribution to Children and Families.”

L-R:Dr. Brian Gerrard; Sheena Sattarpour, Maestro Sattar; Matthew Chalhoub

The VIP reception followed in Rm 119 with outstanding Persian food of great variety. Attendees received a signed poster of Maestro Sattar and most had their photo taken with him.

It was a magical event with great success.

USF – Center for Child and Family Development still welcomes your support and donations. Please contact them HERE

Maestro Sattar’s Official Website ; Facebook & Blog

The USF Center for Child and Family Development is proud to present An Evening With Sattar, a benefit concert event featuring Iran’s most idolized musical artist, Sattar!  The concert takes place in San Francisco on May 22, 2011.  For more information and to purchase tickets for this special event, please see the following link: https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/155904.  All proceeds go towards the USF Center for Child and Family Development, which has provided school-based family counseling to more than 10,000 children since 1984.

Check out Sattar’s newest music video “Ajab Sabri Khoda Darad! (What Patience God Has!)” below:

An Evening With Sattar
A Benefit Concert for the USF Center for Child and Family Development

May 22, 2011
5:00PM
University of San Francisco’s Presentation Theater
Tickets: https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/155904
Parking Map: https://usftherapist.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/parking.pdf

About Sattar:
He is admired by more than 100 million people. He has recorded over 200 songs and performed in more than 22 countries. He was the favorite of The Persian Royal Family and is Iran’s most idolized musical artist. His name is SATTAR. SATTAR’s fame began at the age of 22 with the release of the theme song to “Morad Barghi,” a popular telvision show in Iran. The show made him an instant STAR. Young, talented, and extremely handsome, he soon became an ICON all over the Middle East.

In 1978, SATTAR migrated to the United States and continued his singing career in Los Angeles, California. In 1980, he got married and eventually became a father. His career blossomed further through the years, leading him on tours all over the world. As a caring individual, SATTAR volunteers to perform at charity events for causes he believes in supporting.

With over 30 years of fame, SATTAR’s career has been Dynamic. He has over 50 greatest hits which include the Internationally known “GOLEH SANGAM.” Other hit songs are “SHAHZDEH KHANOOM,” “HAHMSAFAR,” and “GOHLEH POONEH.”

The key to his longevity is his amazing vocal ability which ranges from traditional ballads to the diverse sounds of present day Pop Music.  Friends and family like to refer to him as “The Persian Frank Sinatra” – Loved, Respected, & a True Icon.

About the USF Center for Child and Family Development:
The Center for Child and Family Development has provided school-based family counseling to more than 10,000 children since 1984.  The Center has a strong social justice focus reflected in its commitment to serving at-risk and under-served children.

You always hear stories from people saying, I didn’t feel liked I belonged in my family.  I felt like an outcast.  Everyone liked sports and I liked the opera!  Or I was the middle child I always felt lost or like I had to prove a point.

So many people go through life not knowing where they belong, not knowing where their place in life is.  There are ways to help prevent things life this from happening.  

Self-esteem is a person’s main belief about themselves. A person’s self-esteem is based on their actions, both as how as well as what he or she does. Although self-esteem varies from time to time, the pattern usually leans toward a healthy or unhealthy view of self. With healthy self-esteem, a person is more likely to succeed in life.

The Best feeling in the world is being able to go to a place where you can call home.  A place where you feel like you belong, a place where no one can hurt you, a place where you can learn something new each day from the ones who love you the most.

By making the effort to communicate with the members of our family, we know that we are loved and respected and that we belong.   Each person in your family needs to: